What a year it has been! I remember this day last year like it was yesterday. In fact, it feels like maybe three months ago! December 23rd was a Monday, there was a little snow on the ground and the sun was shining as I did a few last minute errands around Lake St. Louis. I distinctly remember a phone conversation with Allan that afternoon in the Target parking lot. It left my heart skipping and also left me a little sad. He would be spending Christmas alone again, as he had so many before. Once again, my heart overflowed with gratitude because I was surrounded by an abundance of love and companionship. It was my first Christmas without Ken in nine years and though my heart was a little confused, I had friends and family making sure I felt joy and knew I was loved every day.

I'll never forget sitting in my living room a few weeks before Christmas, fire crackling in the fireplace, a periwinkle sky filling the floor-to-ceiling windows as the sun set, and feeling a wave of contentment. I missed Ken terribly, but I had come to realize that God had a plan, and my husband was at peace, maybe for the first time ever. I still had Barney, I had my LSL family, and in the midst of the turmoil that had been raging inside of me for seven months, I finally had a sliver of my own peace.

I had no idea what was in store for me. I had my mind set on living in LSL for at least another year, trying to find myself as a single person again; living life on my terms. I had just begun to look forward to the unknown instead of dreading it, when out of the blue came the phone call that changed my world. As Allan and I renewed our friendship, it became clear that we were meant to be together, but we didn't know how and I didn't know if the timing was right. I searched my soul, I asked Ken, I asked God, and not once did I hear or feel a "no." I decided the gift of love was not something to ignore and it's not something that comes around time and time again. 

So, here I am, spending my ninth Christmas in the Florida sunshine. I'll be sharing it with my sister and her husband (for the first time in 10 years), my niece and nephew, and of course, Allan, who will be surrounded by more love than he's used to (he might long for those "alone" holidays after this one -- LOL)!

I have to admit, I've had some blue moments as the season has unfolded. I've felt Ken around quite strongly a couple of times, and of course, I miss Barney more than words can say. I still well up when I let myself stop and think about them . Barney was my warm fuzzy New Year's present in 2003, and was an endless font of happiness for 10 Christmases. This year, as Barney was preparing to leave this world, along came another New Year's blessing -- Allan. We saw each other for the first time in eight months on New Year's Day and our love unfolded.

Now, as 2014 races to a close, I remind myself to dig deep, find a quiet place to reflect and try not to take time for granted. Christmas feels different since I've experienced death at such close range. There is a depth of meaning that I could never have had otherwise. I am reminded of the beauty in this world when I see the neighborhood peacocks or the sunset, when I look back on how far I've come emotionally and physically in the last few years, and especially when I feel so much love all around me.

May you hold peace, love and abundant joy this Christmas, and may you be blessed with your own wonderful surprise this New Year... God Bless.