Forgive the Truisms

On a warm, sunny, morning walk yesterday, I was pondering clichés -- how we roll our eyes and get chastised for using them, but how true they are! Time heals all wounds...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...things happen for a reason...time flies when you're having fun....life is two steps forward, one step back, and one of my favorites -- everything happens for a reason. All of these, and then some, have described my last couple of years.

In the last twelve months, I have gone from being physically challenged and partially immobile, to living a fairly normal physical life. I left my Florida home of eight years to move to a state I had never even driven through, let alone visited. I put my trust and faith in the feeling that a fresh start in a new place would be life changing and exciting, and it was, on both accounts.

I sold a house, lived in an apartment, bought another house, had two cars decide to conk out and bought a new one. Barney-dog get a tick in the face and fought horrible infections for months, and of course, just as we were settling in to our dream home, my husband Ken died. All hell broke loose, in every manner of speaking, for about three months thereafter, and then the reality of my situation set in. So many decisions to be made -- a blank page, a new beginning I could have never anticipated.

As I processed and time healed my wounds, I started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and peace crept in. Once solace found a place in my heart, I found myself being drawn back to my home, to the beach in Florida. I was feeling the tug on my heart strings and an amazing thing happened on the way to the dance -- I found love again, in the place I was being drawn to by invisible strings. Everything happens for a reason has been a steady theme throughout my life, in hundreds of ways -- and once again, it holds true.

Being back where I belong, with a love that makes me feel more blessed every moment of the day, just confirms that we never know why things happen at the time, but I guarantee, if we look back, there was a guiding light that led us through the darkness and into the next joyous or graceful moment.

I may not understand the "why" of the wild challenges I've faced over the years, but I do know this -- if they hadn't happened, I wouldn't be where I am right this moment. I wouldn't have the faith and deep appreciation for life that has strengthened with every obstacle; I wouldn't have the level of compassion that I now have for people who are hurting physically and emotionally, and I wouldn't be as patient with myself. 
 
Nobody gets through this life without trials; who would we be without them? I would not have the amazing memories and eternal friendships that have been made throughout this journey without those challenges. There are times it seems we take two steps forward and one step back and find it's about learning to dance in the rain. I venture, if we look around us, we'll always see our loved ones dancing alongside.

God Bless

PS : Forgive the piece on clichés -- it shows "lack of experience as a writer", yet they prevail in our language for some reason...

Quote of the day...

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

Mark Twain

BIG waves...

Barney and I took a walk to the park this morning -- the sky was robin's-egg-blue,  it was a balmy sixty degrees, the palms were swaying in a slight breeze and there were peacocks meandering about. Yep, we're back in Florida! Okay, so I guess I was fooling myself. I got back to Lake Saint Louis and began planning the sale of my house. I was thinking maybe March or April when the trees are all in bloom and spring has sprung -- then, an amazing turn of events....

One of the best people I know, someone I have adored as a friend for at least eight years (and shared major chemistry with) professed his love for me. We reconnected a while back via phone and realized we had always had feelings for each other but the timing was never right . Once it was all out on the table, we were like teenagers, calling and texting about fifty times a day and into the night. My heart skipped several beats every time I found myself daydreaming about him. We sent each other love songs (ahh, the wonder of I-phones) and whispered our devotion, though we had yet to ever kiss.

When I came to Florida over the New Year holiday, we raced to be in each other's presence and there are no words to describe the feelings. It was as if we'd been waiting for that moment forever and nothing else in the world existed.  

Though I tried to rationalize the rush of happiness and lost sleep over why it wasn't right to be smitten with someone so soon after Ken died, I couldn't let myself feel bad about it. In fact, Ken knew him, liked him and respected him. I almost feel as if he's had a hand in bringing us together. All he ever wanted was my happiness and for me to be loved and cared for.

My new love came to visit in LSL last week and had a crazy suggestion. "Why don't we drive back to Florida together and you can stay with me. I don't want to be so far apart -- you alone up north and us missing each other." I gave it some thought and at the last minute, decided, why not? It may be impetuous, but love has once again been bestowed upon me and the chance to be truly happy has fallen in my lap. To know that kind of love again in a lifetime is priceless. My feelings for him are so deep, I can't believe I am capable of this kind of trust again.

So, Barney and I are once again Floridians (as if we ever weren't), living with his new step-daddy and so far, I could not be happier and more relaxed. Those of you who know me well know what a HUGE, HUGE departure this is for me. I am so TYPE A, a planner, a worry-wart, and I analyze everything to death. Don't get me wrong, I lost about 4 night's sleep over the decision. I have cried for leap of faith I am taking and for the mourning of my old life, but I honestly do not feel an ounce of trepidation where he and I are concerned.

I'm waking up every morning feeling elation instead of fear of what's to come. Maybe it is finally time for some stability? For good health, less turmoil and love beyond measure? Ken is a big reason I am open to  loving again-- he taught me how to love and be loved unconditionally. I had never known the kind of love and devotion that he gifted me with. When he died, I knew I would love again someday because he made me realize that life is meant to be shared; that when you find the person who knows your every idiosyncrasy and has your back anyway, you embrace it.

As I begin a new chapter, gratitude flows from every fiber of my being and I am excited about my future; about the love in my life. And I am HOME!

"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why." Mark Twain


PS: Who won the bet???

New Year, New Lease

Happy New Year! I boarded a plane New Year's Day (a day early) to escape the Winter Weather Advisory that may have delayed or canceled my badly-needed trip back to Florida. For about a week leading up to the trip, I was nervous for more reasons than I can verbalize -- I can sum it up by saying it is where Ken and I met and shared most of our life together. 

I thought I might fall apart upon landing -- would I want to run back to LSL or would I get off the plane and run toward the beach, not wanting to ever leave? The "what-ifs" were rattling around in my head until I used my ever-so-new way of getting through each day...take a deep breathe and don't worry what MAY happen. Just get there and see. 

As the trip drew closer, I started to relax and look forward to it. I knew I would honor whatever feelings came crashing through my tightly-wound what-ifs and deal with the emotions as they came. Upon exiting the plane, the smell of oysters and salt-air assailed my senses and all my tension was erased. I was home. 

Throughout the week, my eyes drank in the palm trees, the flowers, the birds and the kaleidoscope of color. My skin was replenished by the moist air and I practiced yoga a few steps from the beach. I saw a bald eagle on the church steeple (at the beach) and paid attention to the changing sun and cloud patterns. Most importantly, I hugged loved ones as often as possible. 

The trip is winding down now, and I can honestly say, I have enjoyed this trip more than I imagined and feel renewed. There was no hurry, no plan or schedule, the weather was less than beach-ideal, but still warm and languid; my days ambled along hour by hour. There were not any of the horrific lows I expected, a few tears now and then, but mostly gratitude and peace. 

There is nothing like the familiarity of location and favorite things, and seeing old friends. I have one more day of zero responsibility, no demands, no appointments, and I will savor every second. 

I know all of you who know me are making bets on when I'll move back to my little island on the gulf -- nobody can win yet, as I do not know myself! I am still in "needing time" mode and will continue living in the moment.

Thankfully, I am missing the snow-storm and cold-weather event of the decade up north. Maybe it's Karma cutting me some slack as I have just come through the storm of my life. I am wallowing in the glow of serenity like the warmth from the first sip of red wine.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Blessed New Year to you all...