Barney and I took a walk to the park this morning -- the sky was robin's-egg-blue, it was a balmy sixty degrees, the palms were swaying in a slight breeze and there were peacocks meandering about. Yep, we're back in Florida! Okay, so I guess I was fooling myself. I got back to Lake Saint Louis and began planning the sale of my house. I was thinking maybe March or April when the trees are all in bloom and spring has sprung -- then, an amazing turn of events....
One of the best people I know, someone I have adored as a friend for at least eight years (and shared major chemistry with) professed his love for me. We reconnected a while back via phone and realized we had always had feelings for each other but the timing was never right . Once it was all out on the table, we were like teenagers, calling and texting about fifty times a day and into the night. My heart skipped several beats every time I found myself daydreaming about him. We sent each other love songs (ahh, the wonder of I-phones) and whispered our devotion, though we had yet to ever kiss.
When I came to Florida over the New Year holiday, we raced to be in each other's presence and there are no words to describe the feelings. It was as if we'd been waiting for that moment forever and nothing else in the world existed.
Though I tried to rationalize the rush of happiness and lost sleep over why it wasn't right to be smitten with someone so soon after Ken died, I couldn't let myself feel bad about it. In fact, Ken knew him, liked him and respected him. I almost feel as if he's had a hand in bringing us together. All he ever wanted was my happiness and for me to be loved and cared for.
My new love came to visit in LSL last week and had a crazy suggestion. "Why don't we drive back to Florida together and you can stay with me. I don't want to be so far apart -- you alone up north and us missing each other." I gave it some thought and at the last minute, decided, why not? It may be impetuous, but love has once again been bestowed upon me and the chance to be truly happy has fallen in my lap. To know that kind of love again in a lifetime is priceless. My feelings for him are so deep, I can't believe I am capable of this kind of trust again.
So, Barney and I are once again Floridians (as if we ever weren't), living with his new step-daddy and so far, I could not be happier and more relaxed. Those of you who know me well know what a HUGE, HUGE departure this is for me. I am so TYPE A, a planner, a worry-wart, and I analyze everything to death. Don't get me wrong, I lost about 4 night's sleep over the decision. I have cried for leap of faith I am taking and for the mourning of my old life, but I honestly do not feel an ounce of trepidation where he and I are concerned.
I'm waking up every morning feeling elation instead of fear of what's to come. Maybe it is finally time for some stability? For good health, less turmoil and love beyond measure? Ken is a big reason I am open to loving again-- he taught me how to love and be loved unconditionally. I had never known the kind of love and devotion that he gifted me with. When he died, I knew I would love again someday because he made me realize that life is meant to be shared; that when you find the person who knows your every idiosyncrasy and has your back anyway, you embrace it.
As I begin a new chapter, gratitude flows from every fiber of my being and I am excited about my future; about the love in my life. And I am HOME!
"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why." Mark Twain
PS: Who won the bet???
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