There is not any particular reason I haven't written -- I can only address the question by admitting that most days, by the time I get a chance to blog, I'm whooped and the creative juices have gone to bed for the night!
I have been writing in my journal (which is more like a prayer log these days) and working on paying projects, along with many other "jobs." I have recently become a notary so that I can marry people on the beach. I know there is a tremendous need for officiants here in Florida and being a notary is like being a Justice of the Peace. I think it will be a fun and fulfilling experience. What a gift to bear witness to such a happy occasion!
My summer has been a series of ups-and-downs, with mostly positive outcomes (no, I still don't have a new computer...might need to seek counseling for that affliction!). I won't bore you with the details of the ups and downs, but for a few days, I've been pondering the hourly fluctuation of good news/bad news/good news on a daily basis that never seems to end. It has just occurred to me that this IS the definition of life. It is never going to be ALL good, just as it's never ALL bad. Seems like a cliche' and you're probably thinking, Yeah...so?
When we're young I think we are under the impression (or we're taught) that the purpose of life is to make sure nothing bad happens. If we do all the right things -- play by the rules, take care of our health, have loving relationships and do unto others, we will be rewarded with a long, healthy, fairly stress-free life.
For most people, it's a wonderful way to get through the first forty years (or so) and I'm sure it's by design that we live with the above goals for so long. The truth is, no matter how GOOD we are, life happens all around us. Trials do happen the entire time we're growing up, but I think we look at them as isolated incidents. In my young life, with each challenge or disappointment, I would say to myself, "Just get through this and you'll have smooth sailing for a while." And with every fiber of my being, I believed when a rash of bad things would happen, that I was all set for a while -- life would hold nothing but positive events for a stretch; I had paid my dues.
I'd like to say at forty-four, I've finally realized, there's no definitive line; no ALL good for a while. Good and bad are stitched together to create each day. It's impossible to get through a day without both. For each little annoyance or struggle, there are joyous moments. Some days the balance is tipped one way or the other, but I find that I am extra attentive to the peaceful, happy minutes. I find myself standing still and watching a delicate bird on the feeder and marvel at the detail in her feathers. I'll turn the TV off to listen to the lullaby of steady rain (currently) and the frogs singing their tune.
Those of us that have been pushed to our limits and have uttered in frustration, "Why me? I've tried to live right and be a good person" eventually figure out that it has nothing to do with the kind of person we are. It has everything to do with opening our eyes in the morning, stepping out of bed, and being part of this world. With experience comes wisdom and on the other side of the bad is a good that's richer, deeper and more serene.
In the last two years, I have grown and matured beyond measure. My resolve and appreciation for every minute has deepened and I am outwardly grateful many, many times a day. I log my multitude of daily prayers in my journal and know that I am heard, and that with each trial comes a blessing. I thought I knew myself and my limits until last year with the death of my husband and my beloved Barney, but I had no idea. Out of the pain came a healing of spirit and an appreciation for being middle-aged and more settled in my soul.
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