It's been a while since I've blogged. I had a rough week -- every weekend is more bitter-sweet than the last. Sunday, I went apple picking in wine country with Kym and Tyler and stopped at one of the most beautiful wineries in Augusta. We had lunch high up on a ridge, over looking hills and valleys dotted with vibrant trees and church steeples. It was about 70 degrees, the breeze was blowing as we basked in the sun and listened to live music. Ken would have loved it.
As I process and grieve, my mind returns always to the WHY? Two of the biggest are: WHY didn't I push him harder to go to the doctor or WHY weren't my instincts more keen as to how serious his "not feeling well" really was? I know the whys are not productive and I'll never have answers and I try to squelch them when I can. Logically, I know it had nothing to do with me, but emotionally -- it will always be there.
I'm reading a book that is helping more than any so far. Here is an excerpt for all of us to keep in mind. "Most of us do the best we can at the time we are doing it with the resources we have at the moment. The things we feel guilty about after a loved one's death seldom -- and almost never -- have validity. Feeling guilty is our way of making ourselves believe we had some control over the death. We do this because it is difficult to have to recognize that we are living in a world where terrible things can happen that are completely beyond our power to govern them...I cannot determine and control the length of another person's life regardless of how much I love that person."
Enjoy every moment today. Kiss and hug (with deep feeling) your loved ones, and the one thing I'm so glad I did, look them in the eyes and tell them how much you love them.
Go in Peace....
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