Living in the Moment

The first Christmas in my new-borne life. It is such a wonder to me that, at 43, I am completely starting over. New state, new friends, a new job doing something I've never done (starting in January), and a whole year coming up of "firsts." I've never not had a plan, or been striving for a particular goal. I've always been such a planner (Type A, they say) but this has forced me to live in the moment, and I'm doing okay with it. Every now and then I feel the weight of my world on my shoulders, then I remind myself, there are no accidents - I truly believe God has a plan for me, and I settle down.

When I write about my new, unplanned life, it sounds liberating, doesn't it? I know people who covet a clean slate and walk away from their lives to get it. I have waves of different emotions, but today I feel excited about my unknown future. I look at the last decade as a pie (must be the holidays talking). Ken and I are 80% of the pie, the remaining pie, still uncut, holds my next slice. What will January look like? I can't even imagine April or July...

I am nervous about the job -- it means putting down shallow roots, but it is with a company that is all over the world, so that leaves my choices wide open. And I am surprised how much I enjoy living here -- I am only about two hours from anywhere I may want to go by plane, I am surrounded by the kindest, most loving neighbors (now friends) anyone could imagine, and the scenery is gorgeous. As you know, I have about 15 wild turkeys as pets, along with the rest of the zoo that resides in the woods behind my house.

I am more and more content each day, and when that little voice whispers that it's a slight betrayal to mourning, I quickly dismiss those feelings of guilt. It is because of Ken's gentle nature and him selflessly wanting only my happiness, that I know it's alright. 

I still feel Ken around me, I hear him encouraging me to move forward, to hold onto our memories tightly, but start to make new ones. Maybe I've started a new Christmas tradition for myself, maybe it'll be new each year -- who knows? What I do know is that I am enormously blessed that I have my mom and dad with me, and I am enveloped in the love of my friends and family, far and near, and I FEEL it in my soul.

As I sit in the warm Missouri sun (at my dining room table not a beach chair), with Barney snoring on his kitchen bed, I am reminded again, how truly fortunate I am, and there is peace in this moment.

"You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."
Christopher Columbus

Blessings on your day...