Finally a few minutes to write. Since I returned from Missouri, I've sat down several times in the evening to compose a blog, and before I can open my laptop, I'm dozing off. I've been back two weeks and each day is over before it has begun!
The trip to pack up the house was successful and crushingly stressful. The first day, my closest LSL friend and her husband came over to help me sort, pitch and pack. We started about 8:30AM and before I knew it, the sun was setting. All I did was sort and pitch. There was no time to pack. With Kellene's help, I went through Ken's belongings like a sergeant -- methodically, keeping emotions to a minimum. I had to read almost everything in order to know whether to keep it, pitch it, shred it or give it to family.
After about four hours of managing his things, we started on mine, giving it the same, cold treatment. When we came upon my ballet slippers, my baby clothes, my first raggedy teddy bear with one eye and no fur -- no exceptions. Garbage bag. It broke my heart for a while -- it felt like I had died a little too. I had to ask myself, why keep it and move it and store it? Who is ever going to want it? Kellene was the gentle voice of reason and reminded me of the impending move and the limited space in the moving container. All-in-all, 15-18 of those particular boxes and bins became four. And the Consolidation Award goes to...Kristin!
The rest of the trip was packing, pitching, sorting, and selling everything. I sold almost all of the furniture. Again, emotionally difficult and still stinging a bit. Not the material part of it, just how hard we worked and how proud we were of those few special pieces that we splurged on when we bought our first house together; the forever bedroom set we finally purchased when we moved to Missouri. Gone to the new owners of the house, to friends and neighbors. As sad as I was to see it go, I was grateful that everything sold as easily and quickly as it did. And, I am equally glad that much of it is still "in the family."
Four days, fifteen to eighteen hours a day of marathon packing, and the whole house was ready to go into two 16x8 containers for shipment to Florida. Each of those exhausting days was a kaleidoscope of determination, melancholy, disbelief, numbness, and regret, mixed with bouts of despair and crying laced with moments of happiness and love from the sweet texts that would come from Allan just when I needed them most. I wondered if I was finally losing it! (Yes, I know, you're thinking I lost it a long time ago).
The saving grace for my sanity that week was friends and neighbors, who are now lifelong friends. I am utterly AMAZED at the kindness, love and support from people I have known for a handful of months. When Ken died, they took me under their wings, watched over me, fed me, hugged me, knew just when I needed them most and the doorbell would ring. They became my rocks, my laughter, my companions. And, once again, in my time of need, they all rallied around and helped me accomplish what would've been impossible without their help.
Ken's best friend, Tyler, his wife, Kym and their son, Colt, who moved to Missouri with us for work, helped immensely throughout the week, even though they too are still grieving. By moving away, I am cutting the ties to our new lives; the physical reminder to Ken, and yet, they selflessly support my move back to Florida and continue to show how much they care.
My time in Lake St. Louis feels like a dream. It was one year -- one short year, and yet it changed my life forever. I am a better person for having lived there, for knowing that there is a world where strangers willingly ban together, reach out and share their love with someone in need without expecting a single thing in return. A world where neighbors will mow your yard or blow the snow out of your driveway or watch your beloved dog on a moments notice without being asked, or if you do ask, say yes without hesitation. A world where you feel the true meaning of friendship every day and you know that you're never alone. What a gift and an example for my future interactions.
Kindness, according to book two of Aristotle's 'Rhetoric' it is defined as: "helpfulness towards someone in need, not in return for anything, nor for the advantage of the helper himself, but for that of the person helped".
Thank you all and God Bless.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Swirling Winds of Change
How quickly my life changes...
I sold my house in Missouri yesterday. Three weeks. Can't believe my luck! As much as I wanted it to sell fast, I haven't gotten to truly settle in here in Florida yet. Though I suppose I'm not going to be settled without some of my "stuff" around. It has been hard living out of two states -- my neighbor and good friend has been a life saver mailing me things each week.
My emotions are swirling like a tornado, and I'm doing everything in my power to breathe deep and keep the enormity of what I have to do in perspective. I head back to MO to start the moving process Sunday. The daunting part is sorting, pitching and packing the details of the life I've had for so many years. I'm cleaning house -- selling most everything, starting over.
Getting rid of Ken's things -- ouch. I realized a while back that the stack of diplomas and certifications that he worked so hard to achieve get to go....where? a dumpster! Without kids to pass things on to, once we're gone, all our efforts and the things we're so proud of just go away. His favorite clothes, his photos from years of travel and his life before I met him -- who gets them? Some will go to charity, some will get sold, some will go to the landfill. I will, of course, keep OUR photos and memories, but I can't keep it all. So final.
It also makes me wonder why I keep moving, move after move, my school achievements and photos from when I was a kid, my old ballet slippers and boxing shorts, yearbooks...they may follow Ken's things this time!
I sit here tonight with warm, wonderful thunderstorms all around, and ponder the wild ride I have been on for years now. About four months ago, I told my friend, Kellene, "I'd like a BORING year of status quo. Nothing exciting, no surprises, no drama." Well, so much for that! She laughs and thinks that's not possible for me. I wouldn't know what to do -- she's probably right! I never could've dreamed the positive changes that have been bestowed upon me.
Through all of the ups and downs, THE biggest treasure has been the people in my life. The unconditional love I feel from so many -- old friends, new friends, family and now Allan, keeps me grounded and makes me feel blessed beyond reason. I can't quantify it, I can't explain how it moves me, but it is truly all that matters. When we are gone, what lives on? The memories and the love.
As I embark on the next phase of cleaning the slate of that which has become my life, I pray for stability and grace to not just get through it, but to feel it and release it like yoga breath. As I cut the final thread of the past ,I hope to weave it into the fabric of who I have become, continue to grow from my experiences, and embrace each new moment with dignity and gratitude. I am so blessed.
"Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when life seems most challenging."Joseph Campbell
I sold my house in Missouri yesterday. Three weeks. Can't believe my luck! As much as I wanted it to sell fast, I haven't gotten to truly settle in here in Florida yet. Though I suppose I'm not going to be settled without some of my "stuff" around. It has been hard living out of two states -- my neighbor and good friend has been a life saver mailing me things each week.
My emotions are swirling like a tornado, and I'm doing everything in my power to breathe deep and keep the enormity of what I have to do in perspective. I head back to MO to start the moving process Sunday. The daunting part is sorting, pitching and packing the details of the life I've had for so many years. I'm cleaning house -- selling most everything, starting over.
Getting rid of Ken's things -- ouch. I realized a while back that the stack of diplomas and certifications that he worked so hard to achieve get to go....where? a dumpster! Without kids to pass things on to, once we're gone, all our efforts and the things we're so proud of just go away. His favorite clothes, his photos from years of travel and his life before I met him -- who gets them? Some will go to charity, some will get sold, some will go to the landfill. I will, of course, keep OUR photos and memories, but I can't keep it all. So final.
It also makes me wonder why I keep moving, move after move, my school achievements and photos from when I was a kid, my old ballet slippers and boxing shorts, yearbooks...they may follow Ken's things this time!
I sit here tonight with warm, wonderful thunderstorms all around, and ponder the wild ride I have been on for years now. About four months ago, I told my friend, Kellene, "I'd like a BORING year of status quo. Nothing exciting, no surprises, no drama." Well, so much for that! She laughs and thinks that's not possible for me. I wouldn't know what to do -- she's probably right! I never could've dreamed the positive changes that have been bestowed upon me.
Through all of the ups and downs, THE biggest treasure has been the people in my life. The unconditional love I feel from so many -- old friends, new friends, family and now Allan, keeps me grounded and makes me feel blessed beyond reason. I can't quantify it, I can't explain how it moves me, but it is truly all that matters. When we are gone, what lives on? The memories and the love.
As I embark on the next phase of cleaning the slate of that which has become my life, I pray for stability and grace to not just get through it, but to feel it and release it like yoga breath. As I cut the final thread of the past ,I hope to weave it into the fabric of who I have become, continue to grow from my experiences, and embrace each new moment with dignity and gratitude. I am so blessed.
"Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when life seems most challenging."Joseph Campbell
Sunday, February 9, 2014
The Hours of Fading Light...
It's been too long since my last post -- I have been meaning to write for days. I've gotten my laptop out, set it on the coffee table and there it stayed, closed. Finally, on this Sunday evening, as the sky turns shades of sherbet and the sun sets on yet another perfect Florida day -- sunny, 70, breezy -- I finally feel moved (and brave enough) to write what I have to say without completely falling apart.
I found out on Tuesday that my baby boy, Barney, has cancer. I have known in my heart for months that he's not felt well, but it was finally confirmed by a medical professional. The poor guy has anal gland cancer and it has spread to a couple of lymph nodes.
I took the news with stoicism while at the vet and then proceeded to descend into despair on the way home. Once the tears started, there was no stopping them. I kept rationalizing with myself that he's twelve years old and I knew he'd only be with me a while longer, just by nature, but I never wanted him to suffer.
For now he is on prednisone, acting like a wild-child puppy, eating like a trash can, and has Allan wrapped around his doggy paw. Barn can get him to do anything he desires by using his mischievous blue-eyed stare and that head-tilt that he's famous for. I haven't seen him act this frisky in years. I am tremendously thankful for the medication since it may give him a few weeks/months of playfulness and joy.
I have vowed not to mourn him until he is gone. It upsets him when I'm upset, so I refuse to cry in his presence and do not ponder what's to come for more than a minute or tears spring to my eyes. I want to enjoy every single minute with him, smiling, laughing, playing, sharing people food (finally -- human food without restriction!!) taking walks, snuggling and smelling his doggy scent.
Those of you that I've shared the news with have all said the same thing -- he's been holding on to make sure I'm okay. Our connection is so powerful, he feels my contentment and knows that I have Allan to watch over me and love me, so he feels it's okay to let go now. We also know what a constant struggle his life has been -- one illness or ailment after another; I'm not sure he's ever been physically comfortable in 12 1/2 years.
I am grateful to Allan who invited us into his home, never flinching at the amount of dog hair and throw rugs that have invaded his space. He's been amazing in the face of this tragedy so early in our new life together. His kindness and love have made this horrible news somewhat bearable.
He went with me to the vet for moral support, and Tuesday evening, when I couldn't pull myself together and stop sobbing, he stayed home from work to hold me, let me cry it out, and then had me laughing by night's end. Once again, facing an epic loss and life-altering event, I have a reason to be thankful and feel blessed. Thank you, Allan!
One can never, ever know the unconditional love and joy a dog can bring to life until you've been loved by one, and given that love in return. It is on a level so different than human love because there is no judgment, no disappointment -- just pure adoration and constant forgiveness. Though it is always too short of a time that they are with us, they touch our hearts and change our lives for the better, forever.
"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity." Henry Van Dyke
I found out on Tuesday that my baby boy, Barney, has cancer. I have known in my heart for months that he's not felt well, but it was finally confirmed by a medical professional. The poor guy has anal gland cancer and it has spread to a couple of lymph nodes.
I took the news with stoicism while at the vet and then proceeded to descend into despair on the way home. Once the tears started, there was no stopping them. I kept rationalizing with myself that he's twelve years old and I knew he'd only be with me a while longer, just by nature, but I never wanted him to suffer.
For now he is on prednisone, acting like a wild-child puppy, eating like a trash can, and has Allan wrapped around his doggy paw. Barn can get him to do anything he desires by using his mischievous blue-eyed stare and that head-tilt that he's famous for. I haven't seen him act this frisky in years. I am tremendously thankful for the medication since it may give him a few weeks/months of playfulness and joy.
I have vowed not to mourn him until he is gone. It upsets him when I'm upset, so I refuse to cry in his presence and do not ponder what's to come for more than a minute or tears spring to my eyes. I want to enjoy every single minute with him, smiling, laughing, playing, sharing people food (finally -- human food without restriction!!) taking walks, snuggling and smelling his doggy scent.
Those of you that I've shared the news with have all said the same thing -- he's been holding on to make sure I'm okay. Our connection is so powerful, he feels my contentment and knows that I have Allan to watch over me and love me, so he feels it's okay to let go now. We also know what a constant struggle his life has been -- one illness or ailment after another; I'm not sure he's ever been physically comfortable in 12 1/2 years.
I am grateful to Allan who invited us into his home, never flinching at the amount of dog hair and throw rugs that have invaded his space. He's been amazing in the face of this tragedy so early in our new life together. His kindness and love have made this horrible news somewhat bearable.
He went with me to the vet for moral support, and Tuesday evening, when I couldn't pull myself together and stop sobbing, he stayed home from work to hold me, let me cry it out, and then had me laughing by night's end. Once again, facing an epic loss and life-altering event, I have a reason to be thankful and feel blessed. Thank you, Allan!
One can never, ever know the unconditional love and joy a dog can bring to life until you've been loved by one, and given that love in return. It is on a level so different than human love because there is no judgment, no disappointment -- just pure adoration and constant forgiveness. Though it is always too short of a time that they are with us, they touch our hearts and change our lives for the better, forever.
"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity." Henry Van Dyke
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Forgive the Truisms
On a warm, sunny, morning walk yesterday, I was pondering clichés -- how we roll our eyes and get chastised for using them, but how true they are! Time heals all wounds...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...things happen for a reason...time flies when you're having fun....life is two steps forward, one step back, and one of my favorites -- everything happens for a reason. All of these, and then some, have described my last couple of years.
In the last twelve months, I have gone from being physically challenged and partially immobile, to living a fairly normal physical life. I left my Florida home of eight years to move to a state I had never even driven through, let alone visited. I put my trust and faith in the feeling that a fresh start in a new place would be life changing and exciting, and it was, on both accounts.
I sold a house, lived in an apartment, bought another house, had two cars decide to conk out and bought a new one. Barney-dog get a tick in the face and fought horrible infections for months, and of course, just as we were settling in to our dream home, my husband Ken died. All hell broke loose, in every manner of speaking, for about three months thereafter, and then the reality of my situation set in. So many decisions to be made -- a blank page, a new beginning I could have never anticipated.
As I processed and time healed my wounds, I started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and peace crept in. Once solace found a place in my heart, I found myself being drawn back to my home, to the beach in Florida. I was feeling the tug on my heart strings and an amazing thing happened on the way to the dance -- I found love again, in the place I was being drawn to by invisible strings. Everything happens for a reason has been a steady theme throughout my life, in hundreds of ways -- and once again, it holds true.
Being back where I belong, with a love that makes me feel more blessed every moment of the day, just confirms that we never know why things happen at the time, but I guarantee, if we look back, there was a guiding light that led us through the darkness and into the next joyous or graceful moment.
I may not understand the "why" of the wild challenges I've faced over the years, but I do know this -- if they hadn't happened, I wouldn't be where I am right this moment. I wouldn't have the faith and deep appreciation for life that has strengthened with every obstacle; I wouldn't have the level of compassion that I now have for people who are hurting physically and emotionally, and I wouldn't be as patient with myself.
Nobody gets through this life without trials; who would we be without them? I would not have the amazing memories and eternal friendships that have been made throughout this journey without those challenges. There are times it seems we take two steps forward and one step back and find it's about learning to dance in the rain. I venture, if we look around us, we'll always see our loved ones dancing alongside.
God Bless
PS : Forgive the piece on clichés -- it shows "lack of experience as a writer", yet they prevail in our language for some reason...
In the last twelve months, I have gone from being physically challenged and partially immobile, to living a fairly normal physical life. I left my Florida home of eight years to move to a state I had never even driven through, let alone visited. I put my trust and faith in the feeling that a fresh start in a new place would be life changing and exciting, and it was, on both accounts.
I sold a house, lived in an apartment, bought another house, had two cars decide to conk out and bought a new one. Barney-dog get a tick in the face and fought horrible infections for months, and of course, just as we were settling in to our dream home, my husband Ken died. All hell broke loose, in every manner of speaking, for about three months thereafter, and then the reality of my situation set in. So many decisions to be made -- a blank page, a new beginning I could have never anticipated.
As I processed and time healed my wounds, I started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and peace crept in. Once solace found a place in my heart, I found myself being drawn back to my home, to the beach in Florida. I was feeling the tug on my heart strings and an amazing thing happened on the way to the dance -- I found love again, in the place I was being drawn to by invisible strings. Everything happens for a reason has been a steady theme throughout my life, in hundreds of ways -- and once again, it holds true.
Being back where I belong, with a love that makes me feel more blessed every moment of the day, just confirms that we never know why things happen at the time, but I guarantee, if we look back, there was a guiding light that led us through the darkness and into the next joyous or graceful moment.
I may not understand the "why" of the wild challenges I've faced over the years, but I do know this -- if they hadn't happened, I wouldn't be where I am right this moment. I wouldn't have the faith and deep appreciation for life that has strengthened with every obstacle; I wouldn't have the level of compassion that I now have for people who are hurting physically and emotionally, and I wouldn't be as patient with myself.
Nobody gets through this life without trials; who would we be without them? I would not have the amazing memories and eternal friendships that have been made throughout this journey without those challenges. There are times it seems we take two steps forward and one step back and find it's about learning to dance in the rain. I venture, if we look around us, we'll always see our loved ones dancing alongside.
God Bless
PS : Forgive the piece on clichés -- it shows "lack of experience as a writer", yet they prevail in our language for some reason...
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Quote of the day...
"Twenty
years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do
than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe
harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
Mark TwainMonday, January 20, 2014
BIG waves...
Barney and I took a walk to the park this morning -- the sky was robin's-egg-blue, it was a balmy sixty degrees, the palms were swaying in a slight breeze and there were peacocks meandering about. Yep, we're back in Florida! Okay, so I guess I was fooling myself. I got back to Lake Saint Louis and began planning the sale of my house. I was thinking maybe March or April when the trees are all in bloom and spring has sprung -- then, an amazing turn of events....
One of the best people I know, someone I have adored as a friend for at least eight years (and shared major chemistry with) professed his love for me. We reconnected a while back via phone and realized we had always had feelings for each other but the timing was never right . Once it was all out on the table, we were like teenagers, calling and texting about fifty times a day and into the night. My heart skipped several beats every time I found myself daydreaming about him. We sent each other love songs (ahh, the wonder of I-phones) and whispered our devotion, though we had yet to ever kiss.
When I came to Florida over the New Year holiday, we raced to be in each other's presence and there are no words to describe the feelings. It was as if we'd been waiting for that moment forever and nothing else in the world existed.
Though I tried to rationalize the rush of happiness and lost sleep over why it wasn't right to be smitten with someone so soon after Ken died, I couldn't let myself feel bad about it. In fact, Ken knew him, liked him and respected him. I almost feel as if he's had a hand in bringing us together. All he ever wanted was my happiness and for me to be loved and cared for.
My new love came to visit in LSL last week and had a crazy suggestion. "Why don't we drive back to Florida together and you can stay with me. I don't want to be so far apart -- you alone up north and us missing each other." I gave it some thought and at the last minute, decided, why not? It may be impetuous, but love has once again been bestowed upon me and the chance to be truly happy has fallen in my lap. To know that kind of love again in a lifetime is priceless. My feelings for him are so deep, I can't believe I am capable of this kind of trust again.
So, Barney and I are once again Floridians (as if we ever weren't), living with his new step-daddy and so far, I could not be happier and more relaxed. Those of you who know me well know what a HUGE, HUGE departure this is for me. I am so TYPE A, a planner, a worry-wart, and I analyze everything to death. Don't get me wrong, I lost about 4 night's sleep over the decision. I have cried for leap of faith I am taking and for the mourning of my old life, but I honestly do not feel an ounce of trepidation where he and I are concerned.
I'm waking up every morning feeling elation instead of fear of what's to come. Maybe it is finally time for some stability? For good health, less turmoil and love beyond measure? Ken is a big reason I am open to loving again-- he taught me how to love and be loved unconditionally. I had never known the kind of love and devotion that he gifted me with. When he died, I knew I would love again someday because he made me realize that life is meant to be shared; that when you find the person who knows your every idiosyncrasy and has your back anyway, you embrace it.
As I begin a new chapter, gratitude flows from every fiber of my being and I am excited about my future; about the love in my life. And I am HOME!
"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why." Mark Twain
PS: Who won the bet???
One of the best people I know, someone I have adored as a friend for at least eight years (and shared major chemistry with) professed his love for me. We reconnected a while back via phone and realized we had always had feelings for each other but the timing was never right . Once it was all out on the table, we were like teenagers, calling and texting about fifty times a day and into the night. My heart skipped several beats every time I found myself daydreaming about him. We sent each other love songs (ahh, the wonder of I-phones) and whispered our devotion, though we had yet to ever kiss.
When I came to Florida over the New Year holiday, we raced to be in each other's presence and there are no words to describe the feelings. It was as if we'd been waiting for that moment forever and nothing else in the world existed.
Though I tried to rationalize the rush of happiness and lost sleep over why it wasn't right to be smitten with someone so soon after Ken died, I couldn't let myself feel bad about it. In fact, Ken knew him, liked him and respected him. I almost feel as if he's had a hand in bringing us together. All he ever wanted was my happiness and for me to be loved and cared for.
My new love came to visit in LSL last week and had a crazy suggestion. "Why don't we drive back to Florida together and you can stay with me. I don't want to be so far apart -- you alone up north and us missing each other." I gave it some thought and at the last minute, decided, why not? It may be impetuous, but love has once again been bestowed upon me and the chance to be truly happy has fallen in my lap. To know that kind of love again in a lifetime is priceless. My feelings for him are so deep, I can't believe I am capable of this kind of trust again.
So, Barney and I are once again Floridians (as if we ever weren't), living with his new step-daddy and so far, I could not be happier and more relaxed. Those of you who know me well know what a HUGE, HUGE departure this is for me. I am so TYPE A, a planner, a worry-wart, and I analyze everything to death. Don't get me wrong, I lost about 4 night's sleep over the decision. I have cried for leap of faith I am taking and for the mourning of my old life, but I honestly do not feel an ounce of trepidation where he and I are concerned.
I'm waking up every morning feeling elation instead of fear of what's to come. Maybe it is finally time for some stability? For good health, less turmoil and love beyond measure? Ken is a big reason I am open to loving again-- he taught me how to love and be loved unconditionally. I had never known the kind of love and devotion that he gifted me with. When he died, I knew I would love again someday because he made me realize that life is meant to be shared; that when you find the person who knows your every idiosyncrasy and has your back anyway, you embrace it.
As I begin a new chapter, gratitude flows from every fiber of my being and I am excited about my future; about the love in my life. And I am HOME!
"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why." Mark Twain
PS: Who won the bet???
Sunday, January 5, 2014
New Year, New Lease
Happy New Year! I boarded a plane New Year's Day (a day early) to escape the Winter Weather Advisory that may have delayed or canceled my badly-needed trip back to Florida. For about a week leading up to the trip, I was nervous for more reasons than I can verbalize -- I can sum it up by saying it is where Ken and I met and shared most of our life together.
I thought I might fall apart upon landing -- would I want to run back to LSL or would I get off the plane and run toward the beach, not wanting to ever leave? The "what-ifs" were rattling around in my head until I used my ever-so-new way of getting through each day...take a deep breathe and don't worry what MAY happen. Just get there and see.
As the trip drew closer, I started to relax and look forward to it. I knew I would honor whatever feelings came crashing through my tightly-wound what-ifs and deal with the emotions as they came. Upon exiting the plane, the smell of oysters and salt-air assailed my senses and all my tension was erased. I was home.
Throughout the week, my eyes drank in the palm trees, the flowers, the birds and the kaleidoscope of color. My skin was replenished by the moist air and I practiced yoga a few steps from the beach. I saw a bald eagle on the church steeple (at the beach) and paid attention to the changing sun and cloud patterns. Most importantly, I hugged loved ones as often as possible.
The trip is winding down now, and I can honestly say, I have enjoyed this trip more than I imagined and feel renewed. There was no hurry, no plan or schedule, the weather was less than beach-ideal, but still warm and languid; my days ambled along hour by hour. There were not any of the horrific lows I expected, a few tears now and then, but mostly gratitude and peace.
There is nothing like the familiarity of location and favorite things, and seeing old friends. I have one more day of zero responsibility, no demands, no appointments, and I will savor every second.
I know all of you who know me are making bets on when I'll move back to my little island on the gulf -- nobody can win yet, as I do not know myself! I am still in "needing time" mode and will continue living in the moment.
Thankfully, I am missing the snow-storm and cold-weather event of the decade up north. Maybe it's Karma cutting me some slack as I have just come through the storm of my life. I am wallowing in the glow of serenity like the warmth from the first sip of red wine.
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Blessed New Year to you all...
I thought I might fall apart upon landing -- would I want to run back to LSL or would I get off the plane and run toward the beach, not wanting to ever leave? The "what-ifs" were rattling around in my head until I used my ever-so-new way of getting through each day...take a deep breathe and don't worry what MAY happen. Just get there and see.
As the trip drew closer, I started to relax and look forward to it. I knew I would honor whatever feelings came crashing through my tightly-wound what-ifs and deal with the emotions as they came. Upon exiting the plane, the smell of oysters and salt-air assailed my senses and all my tension was erased. I was home.
Throughout the week, my eyes drank in the palm trees, the flowers, the birds and the kaleidoscope of color. My skin was replenished by the moist air and I practiced yoga a few steps from the beach. I saw a bald eagle on the church steeple (at the beach) and paid attention to the changing sun and cloud patterns. Most importantly, I hugged loved ones as often as possible.
The trip is winding down now, and I can honestly say, I have enjoyed this trip more than I imagined and feel renewed. There was no hurry, no plan or schedule, the weather was less than beach-ideal, but still warm and languid; my days ambled along hour by hour. There were not any of the horrific lows I expected, a few tears now and then, but mostly gratitude and peace.
There is nothing like the familiarity of location and favorite things, and seeing old friends. I have one more day of zero responsibility, no demands, no appointments, and I will savor every second.
I know all of you who know me are making bets on when I'll move back to my little island on the gulf -- nobody can win yet, as I do not know myself! I am still in "needing time" mode and will continue living in the moment.
Thankfully, I am missing the snow-storm and cold-weather event of the decade up north. Maybe it's Karma cutting me some slack as I have just come through the storm of my life. I am wallowing in the glow of serenity like the warmth from the first sip of red wine.
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Blessed New Year to you all...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)