Gratitude

Another beautiful autumn day here in Missouri. Yes, it's rainy, but the contrast between the sky and the trees makes the leaves look florescent orange and the grass velvet green. The critters seem to like the drizzle -- squirrels and turkeys and deer abound!

Yoga this morning was inspiring. During my practice I felt a few true moments of joy. It's been a long time since I've felt inner peace. While noticing berries on the holly bushes out the window during our balancing pose, I had a flashback of doing treehouse yoga with Ken on our second anniversary.

We were at the Plantation on Amelia Island and they had a real house -- kitchen, bathroom and a couple of open rooms -- up in the trees overlooking a creek and the woods. He was such a trooper -- it was something I was excited to do and he agreed to try it with me. Poor guy -- not flexible at all. He was grunting and sweating trying to get in the poses. I felt a little bad yet proud of him for giving it his all. I remember thinking, "what a good husband. He'll do or try anything to share in what matters to me." We had a reward breakfast after class and went on with our relaxing day. I am grateful for the flow of that memory coming to me at a time when I could handle it and feel happy about it. Which leads me to thoughts for today, thanks to Dede!

10 Questions to Ask Yourself Every Day...by Nicola Jane Hobbs
"The questions you ask yourself on a daily basis will create the person you become. Rather than interrogate and berate yourself, ask yourself these questions before bed every night."

1.What did I learn? (embrace each opportunity to dare, fail and learn greatly)
2. Who did I love? (love is when we are most brave and most fearful)
3. How was I vulnerable? (being vulnerable is magical)
4. What am I grateful for? (remind yourself that you are enough and you have enough)
5. Who did I listen to? (sometimes we just need to be listeners, no advice, no fixing)
6. How was I challenged? (do you see it as a struggle or spirit-awakening journey?)
7. What made me laugh? (never underestimate the power of laughter)
8. Who did I connect with? (the energy between us when we feel seen, heard, valued)
9. How did I grow? (we grow with every experience -- we just fail to appreciate it)
10. What did I share? (never underestimate your ability to inspire someone)

Peace on your day...Namaste`

Fun fiction for a change!

Coyote Joe

I was awakened abruptly by the sound of growling and a loud crash in the side yard. The clock displayed six thirty.  Jumping out of bed, I raised one slat of the window blind to investigate. Nothing was in my line of vision. The sky was showing the first signs of morning, glowing with hazy shades of blue, grey and coral. I looked over at the dog bed and saw Barney, my lab-husky pal with his ears perked, looking like he would spring into action any second. Although I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary in the yard, I could still feel a presence. As I grabbed the pepper spray off the nightstand, I spoke softly to Barney and together we headed toward the dining room and the door to the side yard.  Along the way I turned on the coffee maker –might as well brew that morning treat while we investigated.

Cautiously, we stepped out the dining room door, into the screened-in lanai. I had to make sure whatever it was didn’t get in through the dog door. All was quiet, so we continued out into the yard. Again, nothing there. I felt a chill despite the seventy-five degree morning.  Barn stayed really close to me and with his nose sniffing the air and his hackles up; I sensed that he knew something was hiding.  I was positive it wasn’t a possum or a fruit rat; those animals don’t growl. Neighborhood pets can’t get inside our tall wooden fence unless they can climb like the afore mentioned critters. A little shaken, I went back into the house, poured my first cup of aromatic Espresso Blend and pondered what I may have heard.

Barney, on the other hand, decided to lay in wait in his hammock on the lanai. I could tell he didn’t know whether to protect me or go on the hunt. A few peaceful, bird-song minutes passed and Bang! Growl! Barney shot out his dog door into the yard and barked a deep, loud warning. I sat my mug down and raced to the yard. Sure enough, in the northwest corner of the fence, looking out from behind a cluster of low palms was a frightened, skinny coyote bearing his teeth at Barney, who literally had him cornered. It was a stand-off. Neither animal was going to move.

I had just read about coyotes invading residential areas all over Florida but never imagined one would get in our yard. He must have smelled the grill drippings from dinner the night before and jumped the fence.  I realized I couldn’t use the pepper spray in case it got into Barney’s eyes or nose. How on earth was I going to get the dog in the house, get the gate open and make it leave? I could bate it with food on the other side of the fence but that would require leaving the dog with the coyote for a few minutes.

I had a flash-back to Barney chasing coyotes in Palm Springs with his two German Shepard buddies, Magic and Whisky. He came back from the chase injured and scared. They are the only animal that gives me the creeps. They sound like Hyenas when they’re in a pack.

Coming back to the present, I noticed the coyote looked ready to bolt when I heard my neighbor come out of the house to get his paper. I yelled for him to open the gate and stand back. I didn’t know who would run out first – the dog or the coyote, but I knew there would be a frenzied chase. The gate opened and bam! The blur of fur…growl, yipe, crash, whir… a successful run-off by my proud pup. He came back in the yard smiling, standing a little taller, wagging his fluffy white tail.  He protected his mamma and got sweet revenge for Palm Springs. What a good morning.

If only....

It's been a while since I've blogged. I had a rough week -- every weekend is more bitter-sweet than the last. Sunday, I went apple picking in wine country with Kym and Tyler and stopped at one of the most beautiful wineries in Augusta. We had lunch high up on a ridge, over looking hills and valleys dotted with vibrant trees and church steeples. It was about 70 degrees, the breeze was blowing as we basked in the sun and listened to live music. Ken would have loved it.

As I process and grieve, my mind returns always to the WHY? Two of the biggest are: WHY didn't I push him harder to go to the doctor or WHY weren't my instincts more keen as to how serious his "not feeling well" really was? I know the whys are not productive and I'll never have answers and I try to squelch them when I can. Logically, I know it had nothing to do with me, but emotionally -- it will always be there.

I'm reading a book that is helping more than any so far. Here is an excerpt for all of us to keep in mind. "Most of us do the best we can at the time we are doing it with the resources we have at the moment. The things we feel guilty about after a loved one's death seldom -- and almost never -- have validity. Feeling guilty is our way of making ourselves believe we had some control over the death. We do this because it is difficult to have to recognize that we are living in a world where terrible things can happen that are completely beyond our power to govern them...I cannot determine and control the length of another person's life regardless of how much I love that person."

Enjoy every moment today. Kiss and hug (with deep feeling) your loved ones, and the one thing I'm so glad I did, look them in the eyes and tell them how much you love them.

Go in Peace....

Socializing

I've been thinking about writing all day (another glorious autumn day) but just haven't been sure what to say. I feel a lot of pent up emotion, but sometimes I'm tired of talking about it, thinking about it, feeling the weight of missing my best friend. I have had a pretty good week with less tears, but I think it catches up to me.

I tried "getting out" last night, meeting new people, but it just made me feel more lonely for Ken than ever. I went to a breast cancer event at my local spa, thinking it would be a fun mix of women and it would be nice to be in that atmosphere...there were about 8 ladies there, all about 60. Ugh! Then I had the opposite experience at the next place...

My landscaper and his wife had a Cardinals party for the big game. He invited me over and though it was a stretch to go where I knew only one person -- him -- I made myself drive that direction. I know personal growth happens when we leap out of our comfort zone and I was leaping, big time. I got there and after a few introductions, realized, once again -- fish out of water. They were all very kind, but it was mostly couples about 30 years old (and their parents) with infants. Apparently, when they moved onto the street five years ago, there were 2 kids, now there are 34. WOW! Something in the water in that neighborhood.  But, you can see where I just wouldn't feel a connection. I stayed long enough to be polite and headed home to my comfort zone.

I went to bed with a heavy heart, realizing ONCE AGAIN, life is meant to be shared with a special someone and how much I miss mine. I dreamt of him all night and had a vivid dream about us traveling, seeing bears and monkeys that looked like owls (dreams!), right before I woke up, which just makes my sadness worse. I had crusty eyes which indicates I had been crying during the night again. I just want him to come back to me. I'm certain if he knew he was going to die, he would've gone to the ER.

On a lighter note, my bionic dad did well at the dentist and is back to being his busy self. For this, I am grateful.  And -- my resident turkeys seem to know when I need to smile (and wipe the tears away). Here they come, eleven of them, trotting their fluffy butts out of the woods. A couple of them just plopped down...for a nap? I never knew turkeys laid around in the grass until I moved to this house. They remind me daily of the gift of nature and how it takes care of itself while taking care of us in so many different ways. They are my comic relief and reinforcement that life goes on...I will post a photo of them next time.

Thanks for reading...

 

Quote of the Day..

Just got home from YOGA. It's my first time since May. I wasn't quite ready to continue then, but I've been cleared from a physical stand-point and I could not be happier! I started doing yoga about 8 years ago and it suited my body's flexibility and my mind's desire to shut out the world for 75 minutes.

Going to class is a victory over the trauma by body sustained for the last 2.5 years; it's a celebration of being able to move in a fluid motion without pain. My flexibility is about half of what it was before, but my body's muscle memory was firing today. I have zero ability, at this point, to curve my torso in Up Dog, (I looked like a board) but I know it will become unglued and I will feel that glorious release of a reverse C at some point.

Yoga taps into my spirit and lifts me skyward. How could that be? The poses are challenging and you must concentrate on your breathing and what your body is doing, therefore, you can't be thinking about anything else. If your mind starts to wander, you start holding your breath and you tip over or the pose can fall apart in a second. The deep breathing and the joy that I feel when my body relaxes into a pose is freeing. I realize, more than ever, the healing power of our bodies and what a gift it to to be free of pain, even if it's for a while.

If you ever get a chance to experience a yoga class with a teacher that knows her stuff, try it. You will feel like you just came from the spa and had a massage and a therapy session all in one. The teacher I joined today always reads from an inspirational book at the end of class. I especially loved today's excerpts.

...Pay attention, listen wisely, then make your choices...

...we are taught that being compassionate to others first is the selfless thing to do, but being compassionate to ourselves is one in the same...have compassion for yourself today and see if it doesn't impact those around you.
 
Go in Peace.

Tooth-Organ Meridians

I am worried about Dad getting his tooth pulled tomorrow. He has a molar that really does need to be extracted, but I now know the dangers involved in messing with our teeth.

Those of you who know me well, know the horrendous journey I endured for over two years because of an old dental filling being replaced by a new one. December of 2010, what should've been a routine filling turned into debilitating sciatic nerve pain, adrenal exhaustion, trips to the ER, and two life-altering and unneeded back surgeries.

Once the filling was replaced, I developed an infection in the tooth a few weeks later. I then had to have a root canal...it didn't work. Still dealing with an infection in my right cheek/sinus, I had an apicoectomy in July that also did not work. Finally, nine months after the filling, I had to have the tooth pulled while on vacation in Traverse City and try to rid myself of the nasty infection. I had way too much Amoxicillin for months and dental bills totalling about $5000, all on a now missing tooth. Very stressful.

Meanwhile, in August, I had started having right hip/groin pain that limited exercising and even walking Barney. I developed a serious limp and had no idea why. I had turned 40 that April and thought, "SO, this is what it's like being 40...take it back!!"

I will finish my saga in following blogs, but my thoughts and prayers are with Dad as the molar he is pulling is on the left side of his body and is part of the thyroid, spleen, stomach, T11-L1, jaw and sinus meridians, and it is next to a heart meridian. What we don't know is how exactly his facial nerves are wired...it could affect anything in his body. Luckily, he is strong as an ox and has an awesome immune system. And, I know the dentist who is pulling it, he was mine, and he is very gentle and talented.

I cherish my mom and dad and are grateful every day that they are in my life. After Ken's death, I am a bit sensitive about any of my loved ones having surgery or being ill. Too much to bear if anything were to go wrong. Though I know its not "rational," it is what it is, for now.

If you want to learn more about the tooth-organ relationship, go to www.preventionandhealing.com and click on the chart. I am living proof that it's accurate.

Dad and coconut cream pie...happy happy

VOLS vs. Bulldogs...

Today is college football Saturday. Those of you who knew Ken, knew he bled orange. I am a BIG 10 fan -- Go SPARTANS -- but nothing compared to his love for University of Tennessee. We went to a couple games in Knoxville the first year we met and it was a blast. Knoxville is a college town build on forty-five degree hills (ask Tyler) along the river. The energy on game day is infectious and the weather is usually picture perfect.

We held season tickets in the most awesome (cushioned) seats -- about 11 rows up, just high enough to be over the UT players' heads at about the 45th yard line. In all the years we were together, something or another kept us from traveling to the games. The second year we were together, we were living in Florida and Vegas and just couldn't swing another trip. The year after that we were separated, then we were saving for the wedding and took a couple other smaller trips, and then the following fall we had the wedding, the honeymoon, and so on. Fortunately, UT was in the Outback bowl a couple of times, so we did get to see them in Tampa, one time with Mom and Dad, so it was extra special. But, I will always regret having those awesome tickets and not finding a way to go to at least one game per season. Especially the way he loved it. I now know to put emphasis on doing what matters -- If something is important to you, find a way to do it.

Today, we were supposed to be at the game. One of the hardest chores upon his death was canceling the hotel and the flights and returning the tickets. Instead, I will watch the game on TV at 3:30, and honor Ken's memory by being happy that he's at every game now. I know he's on the sidelines, coaching and cheering on his players. Win or lose, he is proud.  Instead of focusing on my sadness, today I choose to focus on the good memories of Ken and his team, of the few games we did attend, and Barney will wear the required UT collar to help them win! GO VOLS!