On a warm, sunny, morning walk yesterday, I was pondering clichés -- how we roll our eyes and get chastised for using them, but how true they are! Time heals all wounds...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...things happen for a reason...time flies when you're having fun....life is two steps forward, one step back, and one of my favorites -- everything happens for a reason. All of these, and then some, have described my last couple of years.
In the last twelve months, I have gone from being physically challenged and partially immobile, to living a fairly normal physical life. I left my Florida home of eight years to move to a state I had never even driven through, let alone visited. I put my trust and faith in the feeling that a fresh start in a new place would be life changing and exciting, and it was, on both accounts.
I sold a house, lived in an apartment, bought another house, had two cars decide to conk out and bought a new one. Barney-dog get a tick in the face and fought horrible infections for months, and of course, just as we were settling in to our dream home, my husband Ken died. All hell broke loose, in every manner of speaking, for about three months thereafter, and then the reality of my situation set in. So many decisions to be made -- a blank page, a new beginning I could have never anticipated.
As I processed and time healed my wounds, I started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and peace crept in. Once solace found a place in my heart, I found myself being drawn back to my home, to the beach in Florida. I was feeling the tug on my heart strings and an amazing thing happened on the way to the dance -- I found love again, in the place I was being drawn to by invisible strings. Everything happens for a reason has been a steady theme throughout my life, in hundreds of ways -- and once again, it holds true.
Being back where I belong, with a love that makes me feel more blessed every moment of the day, just confirms that we never know why things happen at the time, but I guarantee, if we look back, there was a guiding light that led us through the darkness and into the next joyous or graceful moment.
I may not understand the "why" of the wild challenges I've faced over the years, but I do know this -- if they hadn't happened, I wouldn't be where I am right this moment. I wouldn't have the faith and deep appreciation for life that has strengthened with every obstacle; I wouldn't have the level of compassion that I now have for people who are hurting physically and emotionally, and I wouldn't be as patient with myself.
Nobody gets through this life without trials; who would we be without them? I would not have the amazing memories and eternal friendships that have been made throughout this journey without those challenges. There are times it seems we take two steps forward and one step back and find it's about learning to dance in the rain. I venture, if we look around us, we'll always see our loved ones dancing alongside.
God Bless
PS : Forgive the piece on clichés -- it shows "lack of experience as a writer", yet they prevail in our language for some reason...
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Quote of the day...
"Twenty
years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do
than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe
harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
Mark TwainMonday, January 20, 2014
BIG waves...
Barney and I took a walk to the park this morning -- the sky was robin's-egg-blue, it was a balmy sixty degrees, the palms were swaying in a slight breeze and there were peacocks meandering about. Yep, we're back in Florida! Okay, so I guess I was fooling myself. I got back to Lake Saint Louis and began planning the sale of my house. I was thinking maybe March or April when the trees are all in bloom and spring has sprung -- then, an amazing turn of events....
One of the best people I know, someone I have adored as a friend for at least eight years (and shared major chemistry with) professed his love for me. We reconnected a while back via phone and realized we had always had feelings for each other but the timing was never right . Once it was all out on the table, we were like teenagers, calling and texting about fifty times a day and into the night. My heart skipped several beats every time I found myself daydreaming about him. We sent each other love songs (ahh, the wonder of I-phones) and whispered our devotion, though we had yet to ever kiss.
When I came to Florida over the New Year holiday, we raced to be in each other's presence and there are no words to describe the feelings. It was as if we'd been waiting for that moment forever and nothing else in the world existed.
Though I tried to rationalize the rush of happiness and lost sleep over why it wasn't right to be smitten with someone so soon after Ken died, I couldn't let myself feel bad about it. In fact, Ken knew him, liked him and respected him. I almost feel as if he's had a hand in bringing us together. All he ever wanted was my happiness and for me to be loved and cared for.
My new love came to visit in LSL last week and had a crazy suggestion. "Why don't we drive back to Florida together and you can stay with me. I don't want to be so far apart -- you alone up north and us missing each other." I gave it some thought and at the last minute, decided, why not? It may be impetuous, but love has once again been bestowed upon me and the chance to be truly happy has fallen in my lap. To know that kind of love again in a lifetime is priceless. My feelings for him are so deep, I can't believe I am capable of this kind of trust again.
So, Barney and I are once again Floridians (as if we ever weren't), living with his new step-daddy and so far, I could not be happier and more relaxed. Those of you who know me well know what a HUGE, HUGE departure this is for me. I am so TYPE A, a planner, a worry-wart, and I analyze everything to death. Don't get me wrong, I lost about 4 night's sleep over the decision. I have cried for leap of faith I am taking and for the mourning of my old life, but I honestly do not feel an ounce of trepidation where he and I are concerned.
I'm waking up every morning feeling elation instead of fear of what's to come. Maybe it is finally time for some stability? For good health, less turmoil and love beyond measure? Ken is a big reason I am open to loving again-- he taught me how to love and be loved unconditionally. I had never known the kind of love and devotion that he gifted me with. When he died, I knew I would love again someday because he made me realize that life is meant to be shared; that when you find the person who knows your every idiosyncrasy and has your back anyway, you embrace it.
As I begin a new chapter, gratitude flows from every fiber of my being and I am excited about my future; about the love in my life. And I am HOME!
"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why." Mark Twain
PS: Who won the bet???
One of the best people I know, someone I have adored as a friend for at least eight years (and shared major chemistry with) professed his love for me. We reconnected a while back via phone and realized we had always had feelings for each other but the timing was never right . Once it was all out on the table, we were like teenagers, calling and texting about fifty times a day and into the night. My heart skipped several beats every time I found myself daydreaming about him. We sent each other love songs (ahh, the wonder of I-phones) and whispered our devotion, though we had yet to ever kiss.
When I came to Florida over the New Year holiday, we raced to be in each other's presence and there are no words to describe the feelings. It was as if we'd been waiting for that moment forever and nothing else in the world existed.
Though I tried to rationalize the rush of happiness and lost sleep over why it wasn't right to be smitten with someone so soon after Ken died, I couldn't let myself feel bad about it. In fact, Ken knew him, liked him and respected him. I almost feel as if he's had a hand in bringing us together. All he ever wanted was my happiness and for me to be loved and cared for.
My new love came to visit in LSL last week and had a crazy suggestion. "Why don't we drive back to Florida together and you can stay with me. I don't want to be so far apart -- you alone up north and us missing each other." I gave it some thought and at the last minute, decided, why not? It may be impetuous, but love has once again been bestowed upon me and the chance to be truly happy has fallen in my lap. To know that kind of love again in a lifetime is priceless. My feelings for him are so deep, I can't believe I am capable of this kind of trust again.
So, Barney and I are once again Floridians (as if we ever weren't), living with his new step-daddy and so far, I could not be happier and more relaxed. Those of you who know me well know what a HUGE, HUGE departure this is for me. I am so TYPE A, a planner, a worry-wart, and I analyze everything to death. Don't get me wrong, I lost about 4 night's sleep over the decision. I have cried for leap of faith I am taking and for the mourning of my old life, but I honestly do not feel an ounce of trepidation where he and I are concerned.
I'm waking up every morning feeling elation instead of fear of what's to come. Maybe it is finally time for some stability? For good health, less turmoil and love beyond measure? Ken is a big reason I am open to loving again-- he taught me how to love and be loved unconditionally. I had never known the kind of love and devotion that he gifted me with. When he died, I knew I would love again someday because he made me realize that life is meant to be shared; that when you find the person who knows your every idiosyncrasy and has your back anyway, you embrace it.
As I begin a new chapter, gratitude flows from every fiber of my being and I am excited about my future; about the love in my life. And I am HOME!
"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why." Mark Twain
PS: Who won the bet???
Sunday, January 5, 2014
New Year, New Lease
Happy New Year! I boarded a plane New Year's Day (a day early) to escape the Winter Weather Advisory that may have delayed or canceled my badly-needed trip back to Florida. For about a week leading up to the trip, I was nervous for more reasons than I can verbalize -- I can sum it up by saying it is where Ken and I met and shared most of our life together.
I thought I might fall apart upon landing -- would I want to run back to LSL or would I get off the plane and run toward the beach, not wanting to ever leave? The "what-ifs" were rattling around in my head until I used my ever-so-new way of getting through each day...take a deep breathe and don't worry what MAY happen. Just get there and see.
As the trip drew closer, I started to relax and look forward to it. I knew I would honor whatever feelings came crashing through my tightly-wound what-ifs and deal with the emotions as they came. Upon exiting the plane, the smell of oysters and salt-air assailed my senses and all my tension was erased. I was home.
Throughout the week, my eyes drank in the palm trees, the flowers, the birds and the kaleidoscope of color. My skin was replenished by the moist air and I practiced yoga a few steps from the beach. I saw a bald eagle on the church steeple (at the beach) and paid attention to the changing sun and cloud patterns. Most importantly, I hugged loved ones as often as possible.
The trip is winding down now, and I can honestly say, I have enjoyed this trip more than I imagined and feel renewed. There was no hurry, no plan or schedule, the weather was less than beach-ideal, but still warm and languid; my days ambled along hour by hour. There were not any of the horrific lows I expected, a few tears now and then, but mostly gratitude and peace.
There is nothing like the familiarity of location and favorite things, and seeing old friends. I have one more day of zero responsibility, no demands, no appointments, and I will savor every second.
I know all of you who know me are making bets on when I'll move back to my little island on the gulf -- nobody can win yet, as I do not know myself! I am still in "needing time" mode and will continue living in the moment.
Thankfully, I am missing the snow-storm and cold-weather event of the decade up north. Maybe it's Karma cutting me some slack as I have just come through the storm of my life. I am wallowing in the glow of serenity like the warmth from the first sip of red wine.
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Blessed New Year to you all...
I thought I might fall apart upon landing -- would I want to run back to LSL or would I get off the plane and run toward the beach, not wanting to ever leave? The "what-ifs" were rattling around in my head until I used my ever-so-new way of getting through each day...take a deep breathe and don't worry what MAY happen. Just get there and see.
As the trip drew closer, I started to relax and look forward to it. I knew I would honor whatever feelings came crashing through my tightly-wound what-ifs and deal with the emotions as they came. Upon exiting the plane, the smell of oysters and salt-air assailed my senses and all my tension was erased. I was home.
Throughout the week, my eyes drank in the palm trees, the flowers, the birds and the kaleidoscope of color. My skin was replenished by the moist air and I practiced yoga a few steps from the beach. I saw a bald eagle on the church steeple (at the beach) and paid attention to the changing sun and cloud patterns. Most importantly, I hugged loved ones as often as possible.
The trip is winding down now, and I can honestly say, I have enjoyed this trip more than I imagined and feel renewed. There was no hurry, no plan or schedule, the weather was less than beach-ideal, but still warm and languid; my days ambled along hour by hour. There were not any of the horrific lows I expected, a few tears now and then, but mostly gratitude and peace.
There is nothing like the familiarity of location and favorite things, and seeing old friends. I have one more day of zero responsibility, no demands, no appointments, and I will savor every second.
I know all of you who know me are making bets on when I'll move back to my little island on the gulf -- nobody can win yet, as I do not know myself! I am still in "needing time" mode and will continue living in the moment.
Thankfully, I am missing the snow-storm and cold-weather event of the decade up north. Maybe it's Karma cutting me some slack as I have just come through the storm of my life. I am wallowing in the glow of serenity like the warmth from the first sip of red wine.
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Blessed New Year to you all...
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Living in the Moment
The first Christmas in my new-borne life. It is such a wonder to me that, at 43, I am completely starting over. New state, new friends, a new job doing something I've never done (starting in January), and a whole year coming up of "firsts." I've never not had a plan, or been striving for a particular goal. I've always been such a planner (Type A, they say) but this has forced me to live in the moment, and I'm doing okay with it. Every now and then I feel the weight of my world on my shoulders, then I remind myself, there are no accidents - I truly believe God has a plan for me, and I settle down.
When I write about my new, unplanned life, it sounds liberating, doesn't it? I know people who covet a clean slate and walk away from their lives to get it. I have waves of different emotions, but today I feel excited about my unknown future. I look at the last decade as a pie (must be the holidays talking). Ken and I are 80% of the pie, the remaining pie, still uncut, holds my next slice. What will January look like? I can't even imagine April or July...
I am nervous about the job -- it means putting down shallow roots, but it is with a company that is all over the world, so that leaves my choices wide open. And I am surprised how much I enjoy living here -- I am only about two hours from anywhere I may want to go by plane, I am surrounded by the kindest, most loving neighbors (now friends) anyone could imagine, and the scenery is gorgeous. As you know, I have about 15 wild turkeys as pets, along with the rest of the zoo that resides in the woods behind my house.
I am more and more content each day, and when that little voice whispers that it's a slight betrayal to mourning, I quickly dismiss those feelings of guilt. It is because of Ken's gentle nature and him selflessly wanting only my happiness, that I know it's alright.
I still feel Ken around me, I hear him encouraging me to move forward, to hold onto our memories tightly, but start to make new ones. Maybe I've started a new Christmas tradition for myself, maybe it'll be new each year -- who knows? What I do know is that I am enormously blessed that I have my mom and dad with me, and I am enveloped in the love of my friends and family, far and near, and I FEEL it in my soul.
As I sit in the warm Missouri sun (at my dining room table not a beach chair), with Barney snoring on his kitchen bed, I am reminded again, how truly fortunate I am, and there is peace in this moment.
"You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."
Christopher Columbus
Blessings on your day...
When I write about my new, unplanned life, it sounds liberating, doesn't it? I know people who covet a clean slate and walk away from their lives to get it. I have waves of different emotions, but today I feel excited about my unknown future. I look at the last decade as a pie (must be the holidays talking). Ken and I are 80% of the pie, the remaining pie, still uncut, holds my next slice. What will January look like? I can't even imagine April or July...
I am nervous about the job -- it means putting down shallow roots, but it is with a company that is all over the world, so that leaves my choices wide open. And I am surprised how much I enjoy living here -- I am only about two hours from anywhere I may want to go by plane, I am surrounded by the kindest, most loving neighbors (now friends) anyone could imagine, and the scenery is gorgeous. As you know, I have about 15 wild turkeys as pets, along with the rest of the zoo that resides in the woods behind my house.
I am more and more content each day, and when that little voice whispers that it's a slight betrayal to mourning, I quickly dismiss those feelings of guilt. It is because of Ken's gentle nature and him selflessly wanting only my happiness, that I know it's alright.
I still feel Ken around me, I hear him encouraging me to move forward, to hold onto our memories tightly, but start to make new ones. Maybe I've started a new Christmas tradition for myself, maybe it'll be new each year -- who knows? What I do know is that I am enormously blessed that I have my mom and dad with me, and I am enveloped in the love of my friends and family, far and near, and I FEEL it in my soul.
As I sit in the warm Missouri sun (at my dining room table not a beach chair), with Barney snoring on his kitchen bed, I am reminded again, how truly fortunate I am, and there is peace in this moment.
"You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."
Christopher Columbus
Blessings on your day...
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Twilight
As Ken and I left our Florida home one year ago, I never could've imagined my life as it is right now. I'm still amazed that I'm living in Lake Saint Louis, surrounded by nature, loving neighbors and new friends, without Ken by my side. So much change in such a short time.
We arrived at the apartment in St. Charles (with excitement and trepidation) about this time (5:00) Sunday, December 16th, and were in a race to beat the encroaching dark to unload the Suburban. I walked into the apartment and couldn't believe my eyes -- Ken had gotten us a little Christmas tree, decorated it, added a Santa snow globe to the mantle, and put a few little presents under the tree -- including the pair of slippers I'm wearing right now. They are white ballerina-style with baby blue stripes and little snowmen on the top. On the bottom of one it says "Let It" and the other one says "Snow!"
I had been lamenting because I couldn't decorate the Florida house since we were leaving, and I was feeling blue -- like I was missing Christmas all together. He made sure we had our first Christmas in our new place for the start of our new life together. One more thoughtful act added to the long list of his countless love gestures.
Tonight, I look around my living room; the mantle is decorated with pine boughs and soft white pine cone lights, the Christmas tree is sparkling, Barney is asleep by my side and night is falling. Through the atrium windows I see the snow literally glowing periwinkle blue, the outline of the naked forest is silver, and there is just a hint of peach at the tree-line from the sun saying goodnight. I feel immeasurably blessed.
This time of day and dawn are my favorite -- the sky is a color you can't find in a Crayola box -- it's a cross between cobalt blue, amethyst and platinum. It stays light just a tad longer, as daylight refuses to leave and bounces off the snow. Serenity wraps me in its warmth and I feel Ken's love around me.
All is calm...all is bright...sleep in heavenly peace.
We arrived at the apartment in St. Charles (with excitement and trepidation) about this time (5:00) Sunday, December 16th, and were in a race to beat the encroaching dark to unload the Suburban. I walked into the apartment and couldn't believe my eyes -- Ken had gotten us a little Christmas tree, decorated it, added a Santa snow globe to the mantle, and put a few little presents under the tree -- including the pair of slippers I'm wearing right now. They are white ballerina-style with baby blue stripes and little snowmen on the top. On the bottom of one it says "Let It" and the other one says "Snow!"
I had been lamenting because I couldn't decorate the Florida house since we were leaving, and I was feeling blue -- like I was missing Christmas all together. He made sure we had our first Christmas in our new place for the start of our new life together. One more thoughtful act added to the long list of his countless love gestures.
Tonight, I look around my living room; the mantle is decorated with pine boughs and soft white pine cone lights, the Christmas tree is sparkling, Barney is asleep by my side and night is falling. Through the atrium windows I see the snow literally glowing periwinkle blue, the outline of the naked forest is silver, and there is just a hint of peach at the tree-line from the sun saying goodnight. I feel immeasurably blessed.
This time of day and dawn are my favorite -- the sky is a color you can't find in a Crayola box -- it's a cross between cobalt blue, amethyst and platinum. It stays light just a tad longer, as daylight refuses to leave and bounces off the snow. Serenity wraps me in its warmth and I feel Ken's love around me.
All is calm...all is bright...sleep in heavenly peace.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Annie the Acura -- for Kym and Tyler
Annie
the Acura – why we never named you until now I’ll never know…
You,
old friend, safely carried us from coast-to-coast and have priceless stories to
tell.
In
the heat of summer, you took Ken from Knoxville to Vegas, playing mixed cd’s
and blaring max cool, loaded with a suitcase, a sleeping bag and a photo of his
Florida mermaid.
Every
Sunday you were parked alongside the Porches, Ferraris and Bentleys, up by the
door at Bally’s Casino – you thought you were a super star; we thought so too!
Your warm seats kept our buns from freezing in the desert winters and enveloped us as we hit the late-night McDonald’s drive-through for $1 french fries and ice-cream sundaes.
Annie,
you hold so many memories of our life together – countless Christmas trees
drooping out of the trunk, piles of Florida beach sand on the mats, doggie
drool from Walter-Fuller Park every Sunday morning, and the scent of fast food lunches still linger in your carpet.
You were a work-horse -- we
know your max load is 16 bags of granite rocks from Home Depot and you can carry 10-ft. rugs from the front-seat, over the console and back to the trunk.
You’ve
been Barney-slobber and Coke christened, and the sun still pours warmly through
your sunroof. As an old girl, you still have some get-up-n-go and refuse to be
a member at the car parts graveyard.
So
many roads you’ve roamed, so many valuables you’ve carried, so much good music
and the stories you could tell. I will miss you, ole girl, but I have to let
you go.
Seeing
you in the garage is too painful to bear as it feels like my husband just got home
from work and might emerge with a smile and a hug at any moment.
I
know you’ll be in good hands with his best friend’s family and will provide new
memories, traveling their roads through the next few years or however long you
can hold out. Be good to them – no stalling on the highway or shimmying upon
braking, and keep their buns warm this winter as they drive through the
snowy streets of life.
Kristin Sadler, August 2013
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