BIG waves...

Barney and I took a walk to the park this morning -- the sky was robin's-egg-blue,  it was a balmy sixty degrees, the palms were swaying in a slight breeze and there were peacocks meandering about. Yep, we're back in Florida! Okay, so I guess I was fooling myself. I got back to Lake Saint Louis and began planning the sale of my house. I was thinking maybe March or April when the trees are all in bloom and spring has sprung -- then, an amazing turn of events....

One of the best people I know, someone I have adored as a friend for at least eight years (and shared major chemistry with) professed his love for me. We reconnected a while back via phone and realized we had always had feelings for each other but the timing was never right . Once it was all out on the table, we were like teenagers, calling and texting about fifty times a day and into the night. My heart skipped several beats every time I found myself daydreaming about him. We sent each other love songs (ahh, the wonder of I-phones) and whispered our devotion, though we had yet to ever kiss.

When I came to Florida over the New Year holiday, we raced to be in each other's presence and there are no words to describe the feelings. It was as if we'd been waiting for that moment forever and nothing else in the world existed.  

Though I tried to rationalize the rush of happiness and lost sleep over why it wasn't right to be smitten with someone so soon after Ken died, I couldn't let myself feel bad about it. In fact, Ken knew him, liked him and respected him. I almost feel as if he's had a hand in bringing us together. All he ever wanted was my happiness and for me to be loved and cared for.

My new love came to visit in LSL last week and had a crazy suggestion. "Why don't we drive back to Florida together and you can stay with me. I don't want to be so far apart -- you alone up north and us missing each other." I gave it some thought and at the last minute, decided, why not? It may be impetuous, but love has once again been bestowed upon me and the chance to be truly happy has fallen in my lap. To know that kind of love again in a lifetime is priceless. My feelings for him are so deep, I can't believe I am capable of this kind of trust again.

So, Barney and I are once again Floridians (as if we ever weren't), living with his new step-daddy and so far, I could not be happier and more relaxed. Those of you who know me well know what a HUGE, HUGE departure this is for me. I am so TYPE A, a planner, a worry-wart, and I analyze everything to death. Don't get me wrong, I lost about 4 night's sleep over the decision. I have cried for leap of faith I am taking and for the mourning of my old life, but I honestly do not feel an ounce of trepidation where he and I are concerned.

I'm waking up every morning feeling elation instead of fear of what's to come. Maybe it is finally time for some stability? For good health, less turmoil and love beyond measure? Ken is a big reason I am open to  loving again-- he taught me how to love and be loved unconditionally. I had never known the kind of love and devotion that he gifted me with. When he died, I knew I would love again someday because he made me realize that life is meant to be shared; that when you find the person who knows your every idiosyncrasy and has your back anyway, you embrace it.

As I begin a new chapter, gratitude flows from every fiber of my being and I am excited about my future; about the love in my life. And I am HOME!

"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why." Mark Twain


PS: Who won the bet???

New Year, New Lease

Happy New Year! I boarded a plane New Year's Day (a day early) to escape the Winter Weather Advisory that may have delayed or canceled my badly-needed trip back to Florida. For about a week leading up to the trip, I was nervous for more reasons than I can verbalize -- I can sum it up by saying it is where Ken and I met and shared most of our life together. 

I thought I might fall apart upon landing -- would I want to run back to LSL or would I get off the plane and run toward the beach, not wanting to ever leave? The "what-ifs" were rattling around in my head until I used my ever-so-new way of getting through each day...take a deep breathe and don't worry what MAY happen. Just get there and see. 

As the trip drew closer, I started to relax and look forward to it. I knew I would honor whatever feelings came crashing through my tightly-wound what-ifs and deal with the emotions as they came. Upon exiting the plane, the smell of oysters and salt-air assailed my senses and all my tension was erased. I was home. 

Throughout the week, my eyes drank in the palm trees, the flowers, the birds and the kaleidoscope of color. My skin was replenished by the moist air and I practiced yoga a few steps from the beach. I saw a bald eagle on the church steeple (at the beach) and paid attention to the changing sun and cloud patterns. Most importantly, I hugged loved ones as often as possible. 

The trip is winding down now, and I can honestly say, I have enjoyed this trip more than I imagined and feel renewed. There was no hurry, no plan or schedule, the weather was less than beach-ideal, but still warm and languid; my days ambled along hour by hour. There were not any of the horrific lows I expected, a few tears now and then, but mostly gratitude and peace. 

There is nothing like the familiarity of location and favorite things, and seeing old friends. I have one more day of zero responsibility, no demands, no appointments, and I will savor every second. 

I know all of you who know me are making bets on when I'll move back to my little island on the gulf -- nobody can win yet, as I do not know myself! I am still in "needing time" mode and will continue living in the moment.

Thankfully, I am missing the snow-storm and cold-weather event of the decade up north. Maybe it's Karma cutting me some slack as I have just come through the storm of my life. I am wallowing in the glow of serenity like the warmth from the first sip of red wine.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Blessed New Year to you all...

Living in the Moment

The first Christmas in my new-borne life. It is such a wonder to me that, at 43, I am completely starting over. New state, new friends, a new job doing something I've never done (starting in January), and a whole year coming up of "firsts." I've never not had a plan, or been striving for a particular goal. I've always been such a planner (Type A, they say) but this has forced me to live in the moment, and I'm doing okay with it. Every now and then I feel the weight of my world on my shoulders, then I remind myself, there are no accidents - I truly believe God has a plan for me, and I settle down.

When I write about my new, unplanned life, it sounds liberating, doesn't it? I know people who covet a clean slate and walk away from their lives to get it. I have waves of different emotions, but today I feel excited about my unknown future. I look at the last decade as a pie (must be the holidays talking). Ken and I are 80% of the pie, the remaining pie, still uncut, holds my next slice. What will January look like? I can't even imagine April or July...

I am nervous about the job -- it means putting down shallow roots, but it is with a company that is all over the world, so that leaves my choices wide open. And I am surprised how much I enjoy living here -- I am only about two hours from anywhere I may want to go by plane, I am surrounded by the kindest, most loving neighbors (now friends) anyone could imagine, and the scenery is gorgeous. As you know, I have about 15 wild turkeys as pets, along with the rest of the zoo that resides in the woods behind my house.

I am more and more content each day, and when that little voice whispers that it's a slight betrayal to mourning, I quickly dismiss those feelings of guilt. It is because of Ken's gentle nature and him selflessly wanting only my happiness, that I know it's alright. 

I still feel Ken around me, I hear him encouraging me to move forward, to hold onto our memories tightly, but start to make new ones. Maybe I've started a new Christmas tradition for myself, maybe it'll be new each year -- who knows? What I do know is that I am enormously blessed that I have my mom and dad with me, and I am enveloped in the love of my friends and family, far and near, and I FEEL it in my soul.

As I sit in the warm Missouri sun (at my dining room table not a beach chair), with Barney snoring on his kitchen bed, I am reminded again, how truly fortunate I am, and there is peace in this moment.

"You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."
Christopher Columbus

Blessings on your day...

Twilight

As Ken and I left our Florida home one year ago, I never could've imagined my life as it is right now. I'm still amazed that I'm living in Lake Saint Louis, surrounded by nature, loving neighbors and new friends, without Ken by my side. So much change in such a short time.

We arrived at the apartment in St. Charles (with excitement and trepidation) about this time (5:00) Sunday, December 16th, and were in a race to beat the encroaching dark to unload the Suburban. I walked into the apartment and couldn't believe my eyes -- Ken had gotten us a little Christmas tree, decorated it, added a Santa snow globe to the mantle, and put a few little presents under the tree -- including the pair of slippers I'm wearing right now. They are white ballerina-style with baby blue stripes and little snowmen on the top. On the bottom of one it says "Let It" and the other one says "Snow!"

I had been lamenting because I couldn't decorate the Florida house since we were leaving, and I was feeling blue -- like I was missing Christmas all together. He made sure we had our first Christmas in our new place for the start of our new life together. One more thoughtful act added to the long list of his countless love gestures.

Tonight, I look around my living room; the mantle is decorated with pine boughs and soft white pine cone lights, the Christmas tree is sparkling, Barney is asleep by my side and night is falling. Through the atrium windows I see the snow literally glowing periwinkle blue, the outline of the naked forest is silver, and there is just a hint of peach at the tree-line from the sun saying goodnight. I feel immeasurably blessed.

This time of day and dawn are my favorite -- the sky is a color you can't find in a Crayola box -- it's a cross between cobalt blue, amethyst and platinum. It stays light just a tad longer, as daylight refuses to leave and bounces off the snow. Serenity wraps me in its warmth and I feel Ken's love around me.

All is calm...all is bright...sleep in heavenly peace.

Annie the Acura -- for Kym and Tyler

Annie the Acura – why we never named you until now I’ll never know…

You, old friend, safely carried us from coast-to-coast and have priceless stories to tell.

In the heat of summer, you took Ken from Knoxville to Vegas, playing mixed cd’s and blaring max cool, loaded with a suitcase, a sleeping bag and a photo of his Florida mermaid.

Every Sunday you were parked alongside the Porches, Ferraris and Bentleys, up by the door at Bally’s Casino – you thought you were a super star; we thought so too!

Your warm seats kept our buns from freezing in the desert winters and enveloped us as we hit the late-night McDonald’s drive-through for $1 french fries and ice-cream sundaes.

Annie, you hold so many memories of our life together – countless Christmas trees drooping out of the trunk, piles of Florida beach sand on the mats, doggie drool from Walter-Fuller Park every Sunday morning, and the scent of fast food lunches still linger in your carpet.

You were a work-horse -- we know your max load is 16 bags of granite rocks from Home Depot and you can carry 10-ft. rugs from the front-seat, over the console and back to the trunk.

You’ve been Barney-slobber and Coke christened, and the sun still pours warmly through your sunroof. As an old girl, you still have some get-up-n-go and refuse to be a member at the car parts graveyard.

So many roads you’ve roamed, so many valuables you’ve carried, so much good music and the stories you could tell. I will miss you, ole girl, but I have to let you go.

Seeing you in the garage is too painful to bear as it feels like my husband just got home from work and might emerge with a smile and a hug at any moment.

I know you’ll be in good hands with his best friend’s family and will provide new memories, traveling their roads through the next few years or however long you can hold out. Be good to them – no stalling on the highway or shimmying upon braking, and keep their buns warm this winter as they drive through the snowy streets of life.

 

Kristin Sadler, August 2013

Let the Bells Ring

Wow! December 4th already. I can't believe it's been a month since I've written. So much has happened in that time. The third week of November was an understated week of lows and more lows. Ken had purchased VIP tickets for us to see Justin Timberlake as an anniversary event. We would've gone to the concert on the 19th, and celebrated four short years of marriage on the 21st. That's one reason I couldn't write -- it would've been very depressing to read.

My wonderful, loving, longest-known friend, Molly, came to keep me company for our anniversary weekend. I picked her up at the airport Thursday afternoon and she saved me from a long, teary few days. We haven't spent that much uninterrupted quality time together in....well, maybe ever. I learned new things about her, we laughed 'til we cried, we had an HGTV marathon (such a chick thing to do)and we shared gut wrenching memories of the horror of finding our loved ones deceased. It was deeply therapeutic and our bond grew even stronger . What an enormous gift to have a friend like her -- I am truly blessed.

Then came Thanksgiving. Ugh. I packed up Barney and drove six hours to Ken's parent's in Tennessee. The drive was sunny and pleasant, the river of memories flowed. The last time we were there was last Christmas. We stopped on December 15th on our way to St. Charles, Missouri, to spend the night and leave Barn with grandpa and grandma until we went back for Christmas. We rented a Suburban to "move" me and Barney into the apartment with Ken so we could start our new life together and not waste anymore time apart. I am so grateful we embarked on that journey. Had we waited until the Florida house sold (the original plan) I would've only had two weeks with Ken before he died. Proof to me once again that God guides us if we are listening.

Thanksgiving was fun but I found myself wanting to be home, staying in my familiar routine. I'm sure that's normal -- it's my safe place and where I feel peace. Though I enjoyed time with each family member, at times my mind would ponder the question of where do I fit in now? They're family by marriage and they feel like family, but without Ken, what happens later?

This week has been a whirlwind of catching up and decorating for Christmas. Contrary to what one would believe, the joy of the season is lifting my heart and reminding me daily of our shared love for the holidays. Bring on the snow (supposed to get 4 inches starting tomorrow) and let the bells ring.

God Bless!

Gratitude

Another beautiful autumn day here in Missouri. Yes, it's rainy, but the contrast between the sky and the trees makes the leaves look florescent orange and the grass velvet green. The critters seem to like the drizzle -- squirrels and turkeys and deer abound!

Yoga this morning was inspiring. During my practice I felt a few true moments of joy. It's been a long time since I've felt inner peace. While noticing berries on the holly bushes out the window during our balancing pose, I had a flashback of doing treehouse yoga with Ken on our second anniversary.

We were at the Plantation on Amelia Island and they had a real house -- kitchen, bathroom and a couple of open rooms -- up in the trees overlooking a creek and the woods. He was such a trooper -- it was something I was excited to do and he agreed to try it with me. Poor guy -- not flexible at all. He was grunting and sweating trying to get in the poses. I felt a little bad yet proud of him for giving it his all. I remember thinking, "what a good husband. He'll do or try anything to share in what matters to me." We had a reward breakfast after class and went on with our relaxing day. I am grateful for the flow of that memory coming to me at a time when I could handle it and feel happy about it. Which leads me to thoughts for today, thanks to Dede!

10 Questions to Ask Yourself Every Day...by Nicola Jane Hobbs
"The questions you ask yourself on a daily basis will create the person you become. Rather than interrogate and berate yourself, ask yourself these questions before bed every night."

1.What did I learn? (embrace each opportunity to dare, fail and learn greatly)
2. Who did I love? (love is when we are most brave and most fearful)
3. How was I vulnerable? (being vulnerable is magical)
4. What am I grateful for? (remind yourself that you are enough and you have enough)
5. Who did I listen to? (sometimes we just need to be listeners, no advice, no fixing)
6. How was I challenged? (do you see it as a struggle or spirit-awakening journey?)
7. What made me laugh? (never underestimate the power of laughter)
8. Who did I connect with? (the energy between us when we feel seen, heard, valued)
9. How did I grow? (we grow with every experience -- we just fail to appreciate it)
10. What did I share? (never underestimate your ability to inspire someone)

Peace on your day...Namaste`